Finding the Flow: How Sobriety and Travel Taught Me to Untighten My Grip and Balance

Wow. First of all, I am still completely blown away by the incredible love and support you showed my last post. To know that sharing my journey with addressing alcohol has made a real, tangible difference in your lives – or, you taking the time to spread love and share feedback? It means the absolute world to me. Thank you for the beautiful energy and vibes – you keep me going.

Riding that wave of gratitude, I wanted to dive straight into the next chapter of this journey to share my experience and hopefully help others in a similar situation. Today we will explore: how sobriety and travel has helped me let go of control, embrace the flow of life, and open myself up to a whole new chapter of balance.

At the start of this year, my main goal was to do less. I wanted to find balance, close down the million open tabs in my mind, and quiet the noise. But if you’re anything like me – or know me – you know I have one default speed: fast.

Have I successfully slowed down? Absolutely not. But you see, last week I said to myself: “crikey, I only want peace and to focus on what’s important” – yet why can’t I do that, why don’t I have it? It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me ✌️.

Aligning, Not Just Traveling

When I first started traveling, I had the old mindset: I need to see everything. I need to do everything, fast! My travel to-do list from last year was absolutely manic – and it wasn’t just travel to-do’s, either. I was supposed to be taking a year out! That lasted 6 weeks until I was back in the hustle game.

Nevertheless, it took me about a month on the road to realise that if I did want to have the best travelling experience, I had to stop following everyone else’s itinerary and authentically align with myself.

I was in Pai, Thailand, booking trips just because people told me to. Finally, I looked at a map someone handed me, saw some caves in the North, and thought, “yup, that’s where I’m going“. From that moment on, I did my own thing. I travelled at my own pace and kept planning to a minimum. If I wanted to go slow, I went slow. Of course, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone daily, and most of the time I had no idea what I was doing, but I stopped running around just for the sake of saying I did something someone else thought was a good idea.

Chasing a “Made-Up High”

Three years ago, living in the flow would have made me twitchy. Back in the day, I used to force the shit out of situations. Mainly because if I created a scenario in my head, I would do *everything* in my power to achieve it because the fantasy felt so good or – simply because I was determined to get what I wanted. I was either chasing a high I had made up in my mind or trying to meet my own crazy expectations. Self-will run riot, is what we call that.

But do you know what happens when you live in that state? It’s never actually fun. You’re in fear and exhausted from trying to orchestrate the perfect moment, or you’ve already lived the moment in your head, so when you finally get there in real life, you’re just like, “Okay, what’s next?” or… it does not quite live up to what you had in mind. Hey, it’s not wrong to be excited about things, heck no, but we have to learn to let things be magical in their own unexpected ways and not create so many damn expectations ✨.

The Addict’s Illusion of Control

To understand why letting go is so terrifying, and to get down to sobriety business, let’s look at how this relates to alcoholism.

I am fast. I want everything, and I want it now. In fact, there is a running joke in my sobriety community back in Leeds about how I once printed off a seven-page document of everything I wanted to achieve in a single year (first year of sobriety). I kept it taped right by my bed. Looking back, it was probably a lifetime’s worth of achievements…for about three different people! It’s important to have goals, and I am grateful for my go-getter attitude, but it’s important to not let it be ruled by fear, a fear or not getting something I desire or losing something I have; this is self-will, and very typical of addicts. Where is the faith in God? And the trust in Divine timing? What is this false sense of urgency all about?

In my experience, active addiction was driven by an intense sense of self-will. I was constantly trying to force situations, control outcomes or feelings, and arrange life in a way that would make me feel better. Quickly. My focus was always on chasing relief, comfort, or the next high, and anyone or anything that stood in the way felt like a problem to be solved.

When reality didn’t cooperate, I found myself back at square one: restless, uncomfortable, and reaching for something outside myself to change how I felt. The cycle repeated itself endlessly. High, low. High, low.

Then, when I got sober, something magic happened. Instead of taking back control, I handed it all over. I stepped into a new life where I learnt to trust in something more than myself and to accept I don’t know everything (ouch) and I can’t do this alone (double ouch). If I was entirely in control and capable – wouldn’t I have been sober a long time ago?

What does this have to do with where I am now and why am I talking about it? Because I feel like I’m making the shift I did with alcohol but with my life now. Change is needed: because if nothing changes, nothing changes. It is time to slow down, to balance, to narrow my focus and accept I don’t know the answers. Ultimately, I am entering a new era of surrender, acceptance and balance.

Withdrawing from the Thrill (While Keeping the Magic Alive)

This is hard for me though. As an addict, I am hooked on the extremes. I love the thrill. I am used to the manic ups, the devastating downs, and the chaotic crashes. So when I try to introduce balance – which is exactly what I need if I want to progress further, heal and achieve my goals – it feels impossibly hard. This might sound dramatic, but I feel like I’m having a break up!

Choosing balance feels like I’m withdrawing from life itself. I start to worry: If my life gets small, if I stop running on pure adrenaline, do I lose my spark? Do I lose what makes me special? What will I get high on?

To be honest, when I am moving too fast, running on self-will and trying to force the universe to match the script in my head, I stop doing the actions that are important to maintain good emotional, physical and spiritual sobriety and then I lose that connection and spark that I feel for life… the spark that makes me, me…I no longer see the daisies waving back at me. I unplug from God, I unplug from myself. Life is not fun anymore.

The true magic is in being peaceful and slow enough to see the daisies waving back at me.


The Skate Park and the Dinner Invite: Living in the “Voila”

So guys, how does this link to travel? Through slowing down and maintaining a relationship with a Higher Power, I now have a total, deep trust that I will be guided exactly where I need to be.
Take my life right now. I’m living in Taghazout, and a couple of months ago someone said to me, “What do you mean you haven’t been to the skatepark yet?”.

I just smiled and thought, “The wind will blow me when the time is right.” And *voila*. Just like that, a few days later, I ended up in a random hitch-hiking situation that led me and my new-found travel amigo to the skatepark. Magic, eh?

The same thing happened with a restaurant recommendation. Old me would have been frantic: “Got to get there! Got to get there fast!” New me just trusted the wind would once again blow me there when the time was right. And…. *Voila*, again. A group of friends invited me to dinner at that exact spot.

That is the magic. I can trust that what is meant for me will find me…especially when the time is right. Therefore as I enter this new era of my life, I can trust that everything will be just fine.

Open Palms

Now, don’t get me wrong. This kind of trust doesn’t mean sitting on the couch doing nothing. You can’t claim you’re trusting God – or live a funky life – if you aren’t putting in the work to show up. It’s not a take-take situation… It requires action and giving. But it’s an action rooted in a relationship with something bigger than me, not action rooted in frantic, self-centred control. These days, I try to imagine myself cross-legged with my palms loosely open, allowing the flow of life to come in and out, trusting that God know what is best for me. Guys: I literally thought I was just going to put down alcohol, I didn’t know I was going to establish a relationship with the Divine.

Am I perfect at it? God, no.

Keeping Life Small

So guys, right now, it’s about keeping my life beautifully small. Yes, this causes a ripple of fear down my spine – but it is time to begin quietly building and channeling my energy into fewer places rather than spreading myself thin. I used to think that to get the most out of life, I had to grab at every single thing passing by. But how can I hold on to what matters and let something stick like this? I see that simplicity is the solution – despite it feeling like I’m withdrawing from a drug by doing this – and this being a giant pattern to unravel – I know stepping over this line takes me closer to becoming the woman I know I can be.

Let me ask you something. Would a rose rush through her beautiful process unravelling and revealing her petals, or would she savour each moment at the perfect pace in the cosmic rhythm? Why rush this beautiful life – love is flow, love is nature, and that is what we are.

I can feel a fire burning inside of me right now. I know I am on the cusp of something beautiful. But to fully step into it, sometimes you just have to surrender your frantic will to survive, drop your hands, and break free from the need to control the destination.
Just accept where you are. Trust the present. Open your hands, stop forcing the flow, and finally catch what is meant for you. Xx

Chlo <3