The Day I Was Done: What It Actually Took to Get Sober
My last drink didn’t happen in some grand, cinematic bender. Sure, I’d been drinking for a few days in a row, but in comparison to some of the chaotic situations I’d survived, it wasn’t even “that bad.”
Yet, it was another miserable Monday calling in sick. I was beginning to let down everyone around me. I’m naturally such a hard worker, but that was slipping. I was losing my sparkle. I was losing myself. I remember lying face down on my bed, completely defeated, realising I had literally nothing left to give. The last of the energy within my soul had left my body.
I was just done. Absolutely, completely done.
After 3 years of trying to quit, I of course did not believe in myself that it was officially ‘the last time’ – but it was. A miracle. Thank God.
Welcome to my origin story of sobriety.
The Girl Who Couldn’t Keep It Normal
Looking back, the signs were always there. I used to joke that I could smell a daisy and get addicted to it. I was fascinated by the fact that within a few seconds of taking a drink or a hit, I could instantly alter my reality and change the way I felt.
I was always the girl that:
- Experimented early and partied hard with older adults.
- Gave you your first cigarette to try – I’m so sorry!
- You never knew what was going to happen with
- Channelled that chaotic, Effy Stonem vibe.
I loved that I could make life feel magical. If we were going for dinner, I turned it into a celebration. If we were going to a Christening, I turned it into an all-out party. Everything had to be ten times bigger than it actually was. Including my ego! I love that passionate, intense part of who I am – and I still do – but I was channelling it completely the wrong way through alcohol.
In doing that, I discredited myself as a young woman. I could not trust myself, I made horrible decisions, and I lost who I was.
(Side note: it was not all doom and gloom: I still studied hard, worked even harder, and maintained my sunny-side up outlook on life…somehow!).
The Advice I Refused to Hear
For a long time, I was running in and out of doctors’ offices trying to figure out my mental health. I was desperate for a quick solution, a diagnosis or medication, to fix my mind. I kept hearing the same thing: “Just put the alcohol and drugs down first. Everything else will fall into place.” – erm…not the answer I liked to hear! That sounded too long and too difficult! Plus, it was a ridiculous suggestion from the Dr, because to give up the good stuff would be to give up myself – it was who I was!
I didn’t see for a long time that what I was doing was actually making everything worse. I was never going to get better and deal with what needed to be dealt with. It’s a vicious cycle. The thing we are dying to have, is literally what we are dying for. We drink/take drugs to deal with the mind – and yet it makes everything so. much. worse. Inside the mind, and outside the mind, seriously…how many times have you woken up and thought “oh god – what did I do…”
The cycle continues. Correct, you may be able to avoid something temporarily whilst you get high – but it’s not going to go away. Addicts, typically selfish in nature, HATE dealing with things, we want to avoid responsibility at all costs – and for a moment in time we thought we had the perfect solution…. but oh, how we were wrong…
The Question That Cracked Me Open
What actually set me on the path to recovery in the first place wasn’t a doctor’s warning or a hangover – it was a question on a podcast while I was out on a run:
“What is the one thing holding you back in life right now?”
The answer wasn’t what most people would expect. It wasn’t just hangovers or bad decisions; I was literally losing my mind.
Through heavy secret binge drinking, cocktailing substances, and living with my first true love, Mary Jane, I stated to loose my grip on reality. I was living with dark, perverse, looping, OCD-style thoughts that scared the absolute hell out of me. My brain felt sick, and I didn’t know how to escape it.
I’d lie in bed at night, tossing and turning, begging in the dark: “Please, please, please, stop, stop, stop.” It was f*cking weird.
It got so intense that I genuinely thought people could see inside my brain! At one point, I couldn’t even walk into a supermarket because the paranoia and intrusive thoughts were so overwhelming. I thought those thoughts were going to kill me. I remember my good friend William coming to find me as I sat alone drinking at 23 and I told him I think I needed to be locked away. He told me that was not true – but he concerned. I then probably proceeded to talk about aliens, or something like that.
Thankfully, I saw a direct line: the more I drank and smoked, the darker and weirder my head got.
The 4-Year War: Why Sobriety Isn’t a Straight Line
The hard truth is that putting down the drink wasn’t an overnight fix – it’s been a slow burn.
For me, it was a three-four-year war.
It took me three or four years of trying, falling, and fighting to finally get it to stick:
- I did 4 months sober – and then relapsed.
- I did another 5 months sober – and spiralled again.
- I said 1,000+ times “I’m never doing that again”
When people in recovery say “it gets worse quicker every time you go back” they aren’t exaggerating. Holy crap… Every time I picked up a drink after a sober stint, the downward spiral happened at lightning speed. The mental obsession came back fiercer, the chaos got grander, and the consequences got riskier.
And so, there I found myself, face down on the bed without power… it had well and truly got me. 24 hours later I walked, sobbing my eyes out, to my first 12-step meeting – who the hell wants to go to one of them – but what choice did I have? To this day, I have never drank again. It’s almost 4 years (22nd August).
Indeed, staying sober is equally as challenging at times as getting sober, but today – I am healing. Today, I can say I am becoming the strongest version of myself, step by step. Putting down the alcohol and drugs did not solve every single problem overnight, hell no, but it fixed the main thing standing in the way of my progress. I no longer have to look in the mirror and feel my insides twist and wretch at the thought of my potential, my life, slipping away. Quite the opposite, I am proud of who I am today and I am so excited for what is to come. We’re just getting started, baby!
If You Are Face Down On The Bed Today…
If you are reading this on a Monday morning, lying there feeling like your sparkle is gone and you have nothing left to give, hear me on this: You do not have to keep living like this.
It took me four years of false starts, terrified nights, and relapses to finally break free. You don’t have to get it perfect on day one – you just have to refuse to give up.
Listen to me. Admitting you are defeated by alcohol or drugs doesn’t make you weak. Facing your mind, looking your addiction in the eye, preparing to give the best fight of your life and deciding you deserve to live in the light takes unthinkable courage. You are so much stronger than you think and you have everything to gain. Plus, want to know a secret in the sobriety game? A tiny amount of change can make a gigantic amount of difference.
I lost myself for a long time, but getting sober gave me my mind, my power, and my sparkle back. It can do the exact same for you.
All my love and light, Chlo x